Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Pondering life...

Seriously life is a bitch and no mistake. These last few days I've been forced to sit here covered with a duvet for my legs (as I have for the last 8 years) and the now ever-present fleecy blanket for my arms. Oh and there's also the issue of the fingers on my right hand which are increasingly hard to clench or stretch without excruciating pain. I sit in my chair wrapped up, completely unable to do anything. Not read, use my tablet or do anything I used to regularly each day. Is this a sign that my arms are getting worse, or as I'm hoping just a temporary flare?

Inevitably I've pondered what my life is going to be like in the future. The not so very distant future the way things are going. If my arms and fingers become as entrenched with CRPS as my legs are life will be very grim indeed. You just can't get away from it really. At least when it was just my legs affected I could sit here and do things.

Take a moment and imagine having constant, nasty, vicious pain in every limb that's always there. You have to mentally steel yourself against it when you want to do anything no matter how small. Typing this for example: my left arm and shoulder are hurting more, I am restricted in my typing because I can't put my right hand fingers on the iPad screen. My right arm is also aching more because it's uncovered. I can feel the arm chilling as I type more...

The thought of being stuck in a body that is constantly ravaged with pain which becomes worse should I dare try to do anything.....a level of pain you can't live without being able to distract yourself... well I needn't say anymore really need I?

It's not even that I'm feeling down at all, I'm not. I'm just vocalising the reality of my situation. It isn't ever going to get better, it can only get worse, with me fighting like hell to tread water and maintain some semblance of 'a quality of life'. However there is no cure, and CRPS is always more troublesome during the colder months. Just to make things a tad harder.

I am definitely going to 'do' archery tomorrow, but I'm really not sure whether my fingers will be able to hold the string or give way releasing the arrow before I'm ready. I've not managed to get anywhere near my PB for a while. Not even shoot a full round even. Is this another sign that things are getting worse? 

One thing's for sure....it won't be for want of trying!